I Should Be Folding Laundry

Oh my.

I bought something today.  Something I have been eyeballing months, but I always put it back on the shelf after smelling it and counting how many were left on the department store shelf.

I used to LOVE to shop, but after losing James and Jake, that desire hasn't been there.  Sure I have purchased things.  Like jeans.  And graphic tees. Deoderant, Teddy Grahams.  But I haven't really shopped. 

Maybe it's because the sun was shining today and it was seventy degrees, maybe it's because I started the morning out in a restaurant having the most pleasant breakfast with Ariel and Racecar and Brian.  Today we celebrated my Mother's Day because Sunday last Sunday was too painful, it wasn't right.  Maybe it's because my house is clean, thanks to having five showings over the course of five days.  Maybe it's because our business has surpassed anything we could have ever imagined.

Maybe it's because of you.   I feel your love and your support and it means SO much to me that I feel a little lighter.  a little breezy.  Whatever it was, it felt right.

And I bought it. 

And I just had to show you, my friends.  Isn't she divine?

And I have something for you.  A giveaway on Monday. 
I'll give you a hint.
GO HERE.

He's Totally Addicted

and it's all Daddy's fault.

I'm just sayin'.

Surfacing

I'm in a funk.  and it's deep.  I feel my tears begin to surface at the slightest thought of James and Jake.  I want to lay down and cry when I realize how close I would be to their due dates right now.  I would be thirty weeks pregnant with my identical twin boys.  I should be pregnant with my identical twin boys.

Today started out very positive.  I sang to my kids and danced funny for them, I worked, I laughed.

And then we heard a certain song, a song that someday, I'll share with you.  A song that makes me cry.  Every single time I hear it.  I heard that song today, on my iPod and changed it half way through, because it was just too much.  That song hasn't left my head since.

Because of that song, I believe, it surfaced.  Grief surfaced.  Pain surfaced.  Sadness.  Loneliness.  I had this desire to sit down and tell someone every detail of their births or deaths.  Honestly, I don't know what to call it.  Doesn't birth mean life?  We never saw birth certificates, only death certificates.  I usually just say "when I delivered James and Jake."  But I don't really say it too much because I don't talk about them too much anymore.

But I want to.

I am so sick of their deaths.  I am so sick of them being gone.  I am so sick of thinking of the moment when the nurse, my trusted, amazing bereavement nurse, wheeled them away from us for the last time.

I cried.  I cried out "goodbye babies" as she went out the door.   It's not what I wanted to say, but it's all I could say without completely losing my mind.  I wanted to say NO PLEASE.  PLEASE NO.  They're going to be cold without me, we want to hold them for the rest of my life. But we no longer could.  My life with them ceased to exist.  Last October I didn't even know of a life with them and now I can barely stand the thought of my life without them.  From the moment that nurse started to move away from me, I missed them.

I hate that I had to decide when it was time for James and Jake to leave my hospital room.  I hate it.  There should be a law that if a parent loses their child, that a parent gets so many days or hours before they MUST be wheeled away by a nurse.  Because how can a parent decide when it's time?  How can a parent call the nurse and say "you can take them now."  Because that's what I had to do.  And those words, those words you can take them now, will haunt me for the rest of my life.  Because I gave someone permission to take my babies away.  And that is just too much for me to handle.

I'm sitting here, wondering what good this post does.  I'm shaking my head.  The emotional side of me is saying publish, publish.  The logical part, the weaker of the two, says do not.

I am going to publish this, with the hopes that YOU hug your children tighter.  That YOU listen to everything they tell you, whether it's about crayons or poop or the sun.  Listen.  Promise me that you will not take for granted the love that surrounds you.  Please, feel it.  Roll around in it.  Realize it's there.  Live it.

If you are reading this and you have suffered a loss like mine, or lost a child, I am so sorry.  I am so very, very sorry.

Answering your questions, Part 6,327

All right, friends.  It's time for me to answer more of your burning questions.  I have some time between design jobs and ice cream and idol, so I thought I would spend my time right here at my cozy blog.

I am going to start out by answering some questions that people have asked in e-mails or in other posts.

I'm going to start with a question asked just today by Carrie.  Hi Carrie!

She asks:  Can I ask you something...why do you have two blogs?  Not that I think there is anything wrong with that, I'm just wondering.  Actually I'm jealous, very jealous.  I don't have the ability to keep on blog going. Well, Carrie.  Would you believe I used to have THREE blogs?  I had to give one up because it was bad for my health.  And it's not even that I have two blogs, although technically I do, the second blog I moonlight on Wednesday's.  and only Wednesday's.  I am technically a freelance writer for our regional newspaper's parenting site.  So, I get paid for it.  I have to find some way to pay for  my graphic tee collection. 

By the way, my kids are being so rowdy right now, if you can hear them, and I am certain you can, I apologize.

The next question was an e-mail questions sent by Lorianne:

I have been following your site for a short time.  My heart goes out to you for your loss.  I just have to ask "what are your kids real names?"  If it is for privacy that you don't use them, I understand.  I'm just curious, that's all. Lorianne, thank you so much for your question.  I've been receiving a lot of questions about my chicken's name and well, I call them Ariel and Racecar for privacy reasons.  It's a struggle for me because I do love their names and I really do want to use them, but I just feel like I should give them a choice and right now they're just too young to understand.  but if you are really curious, you can go waaaay back in my archives to see.  I used to call them by their first names and I am WAY too lazy to go back and change them. 

But don't tell anyone.  It's a secret, damnit.

This crazy question comes from my real life, crazy friend, Tracey, she got a little irate in this question.  Tracey wants to know: 

My favorite food is nachos. Which brings me to my question. Is it too late to ask a question? When you say nachos, do you mean Doritos? Or nachos as in tortilla chips with melted cheese and maybe meat or beans and salsa and sour cream and all of that? Because I have heard that it is a midwestern thing to refer to Doritos as nachos, which would just be silly, because everyone knows that Doritos are Doritos and nachos are a mexican dish made with tortilla chips. But you midwestern people are crazy with your pop instead of soda and all of that.

I told you she was irate.  Okay, when I say nachos, I do not mean doritos.  In fact, I don't know anyone who refers to nachos as doritos and I know a lot of midwestern people.  But then again, maybe when they say "they're going out to get some nachos with Nellie Sue after the tractor pull", maybe they mean doritos.  What the hell do I know?

But we totally drink pop.  Word.  And we tend to use meaningless words after saying something we believe in.  Yo'.

See.  I told you.

Okay, now I can move onto some of the questions people asked me in that post way back in 1923.  (Could I have stretched this out any farther.  Um, yes.  I think I'll have another installment after this one.  SORRY!) 

This jewel of a question was asked by my friend, Sharon.  Sharon and I have never met, but I truly love her.  She means so much to me.  Now if I ever found out Sharon was really a large, bearded trucker who liked to hop on-line from the big rig at a truck stop every night and chat with mommy bloggers, well, honestly, I'd love him, too.  I kinda like beards.  That's how much I love Sharon.

Sharon asks:  How did your parents meet? And I mean all the details! After all, if it were not for this meeting, you wouldn't be here to ask us to ask you questions!

Good question, Sharon.  But isn't this supposed to be amount ME?  Just kidding.  I asked my Mom to write up a little something about her blooming romance with my Dad and this is what she wrote:

On a mild Spring evening in early April my sister and I stopped for cigarettes (they weren't so bad then) at the Clark Gas Station.  Also buying cigarettes (after all they were 3 packs for a dollar there) were our future husbands.  My sister and my future husband's best friend had gone out previously and since they wanted another date and Beth's dad and I were there also, it all fell together.  What fun we had!  My sister and I regaled the guys with stories of the "haunted" house we grew up in and it was so much fun.  While I was feeling all sparkly and witty and entertaining, it happened.  I can't believe it to this day. I said, "Was that sarcasity?".  And he said, "There's no such word as sarcasity."  (Of course I meant sarcasm but I said SARCASITY!!!! Now I can laugh about it and I do; but for a long time I blushed with embarrassment and humiliation when I thought about it.  Now, after 41 years (40 of them married), I know that you don't have to be perfect for everything to turn out perfectly.

Isn't that cute?  I think so, too.  The funny thing about this story is that I think of my Mom as the vocab queen.  Just recently she said something like "it warms the cockles of my heart." and well, I didn't even know a heart had cockles.  Did you?

Kellyn wants to know: 

What movie can you watch over and over again?  What is your favortie  quirk your kids have?  If you could be anywhere in the world, with the family, where would you go?  Let's see.  I have watched Good Will Hunting and City of Angels 7000 times each, so I guess that's the answer.  As far as quirks are concerned, I love that after my son kisses me, he has to put his cheek against mine and let out a little mmmm.  I love it.  A lot.  And Ariel, she says to me about 40 times a day "Mommy, I love you.  I mean a lot.  Like twenty thousand forty."  Everyday.  Forty times a day.

And if I could vacation anywhere with my kids it would be to anywhere warm with a pool.  No beach because Racecar hates sand.  The whole time we are there, he cries, because the sand apparently hurts.  or something.  It's awesome.

And the final question of the night is from D, D wants to know:

What is your favorite color m&m?  Um...red. blue. green. yellow. light brown and dark brown.  I do not discriminate.
Do you like coke or pepsi?  If I had to choose, I would choose coke, but at restaurants I always order water with lemon.  POP isn't my thing.

I'll be back again soon to FINALLY wrap up this question answering business.

Do you say soda or do you say pop?  Pop.  right? 

 

It's called "Variety", my dear.

Racecar has taken to calling me, my dear.  "Thank you, my dear.  Sleep good, my dear.  Bless you, my dear."

I love it so much, I can hardly take it.  That is just one of the sweet things going on in my life right now.

Be Design appears to be a success.  Thank you to so many of you who promoted Be Design on your blogs, no wonder I see you all as my friends.  We have a waiting list and are constantly adding designs to our portfolio, so feel free to head back and take a peek, whenever you'd like.  Despite our waiting list, we are still accepting new clients - the 50% off discount expires tomorrow.  The sooner you get on the list, the sooner your blog gets a makeover.  We love making blogs lovely.

I'm just going to send you to a few other places and come back tonight to answer the remaining questions you have asked me.  At least that's my plan.  Maybe I'll come back tonight and write about my new laptop or Teddy Grahams or admit to the masses that the clicking on the guitar in Guitar Hero drives me batty and makes me want to flush it down the toilet.  One can never tell what the day holds.

I hope it's good stuff. 

Here's some good stuff for you...I blogged over here today.

And Lisa is having a Starbucks giveaway, all you have to do is check out her new header and tell her what you think and you are entered.  EASY.

And how much do you want to bet that one of the Davids will be voted off today?

This may be the most scattered post I have ever written.  I do apologize.  But I'll see you tonight.  With more order.

Maybe.

Exciting & stylish

My friends, I have to share my exciting news with you.  I don't know how I have kept it a secret.  But I have and now I can let the cat out of the bag.

My dear friend, Christy and I have started a new business.

We have been working ridiculous hours, barely leaving enough time for ice cream, (don't worry, I still managed) we've made decisions, we've changed our minds, we've lost sleep, and we are SO happy.

Friends.

Meet Be Design.

Our new blog design business.

I do hope you check out our beautiful and amazing website, we are both so excited to be doing something that we both love so much.   This adventure, I know, is meant to BE.  Since Christy and I decided to start Be Design I have been wonderfully distracted, excited and well, happy.  It's been a very welcomed project in my life.  A beautiful gift.

So, check it out.  And feel free to tell your friends about it.  We would be forever grateful.  (feel free to use the code at the bottom of this post or just straight up steal that button over there!  No really!  Steal it!  I won't tell!)  Go there, come back and tell me what you think.  You're my friends and your opinion matters to me.  If you do tell your blog readers about it, come back and tell me, I want to see it!  And your readers will be in debt to you - because who doesn't love a savings?

A savings?  oh yeah -- BIG SAVINGS.

- we are offering FIFTY PERCENT OFF of all BLOG MAKEOVER orders received by THIS Thursday, May 15th. 

HURRY!  HURRY! 

I said Hurry!

code:  <a href="www.beblogdesign.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i278.photobucket.com/albums/kk119/bedesign1/bedesignprettyblogbutton.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>

there are no words

I wish I could properly express to every single one of you what your comments and e-mails mean to me, but I'm not certain I could properly convey my gratitude, my love for all of you.

Whether you comment, e-mail or just visit.  Thank you for caring so much for me, my family and James and Jake.  Every communication that comes through to me from you feels like someone patting me on my back, telling me it's going to be okay.  And I believe you, it will be okay.

I don't know what I did to deserve this blessing that is my blog, or the bigger blessing that is ALL of you, but I am so grateful for every ounce of it.

I do not take a single one of you, whether I have met you or not, for granted.

You have been my lifeline and for that, I thank you.  I am in debt to you.  I am in awe of you.

From the very depths of my heart and soul - I love you and I thank you.  You are my friends, whether I have shared a cheeseburger with you or an e-mail, you are my friend.

If I could host a big ol' blog party, you'd ALL be invited.  I'd even sing for you.

or not.

But I probably would.  Just so you are warned.

Thank you.  Thank you.  THANK YOU.

I have a fun announcement coming tomorrow - which is what this blog has been missing lately - FUN. (I'm not pregnant and I'm not giving away a trip or ice cream or anything like that - it's just a blog announcement.  But that's still fun.  Right?)

See you then, my friend.

Unprepared

I'm hesitant to write here tonight.  But writing is so important to me and really does feel like therapy.  I'm hesitant to hit publish, but I know you care.  I know someone will be able to relate to me, someone will benefit from reading my words, and I think that is beautiful.  Honestly, I need you tonight.

I desperately needed all of the encouragement, love and prayers everyone has sent to me on this day.  Whether it was by leaving a comment, sending me an e-mail or just thinking about my family and my precious sons.   I was not prepared for the amount of grief and just pure sadness I have felt today, it's been overwhelming, I am ready to go to bed and start out fresh in the morning.  I am exhausted.  It is my hope that tomorrow, the heavy weight in my heart will be lifted, somehow, someway.

I had this realization today, that my sons are dead.  Those words, those four words were words I never really allowed myself to say or even think. My sons are dead.

oh my god.

It's more than my heart can bear.  It's bigger than pain.  It's larger than sadness.  It's heart break.  It's my world torn apart.  I don't know how I got through today.  It was not because of strength.  Today I had none.  While crying in the shower, or while trying to put my make-up on, riding in the car or sitting in the bathroom stall in a restaurant, I pleaded.  I NEED STRENGTH.  PLEASE GRANT ME STRENGTH.

And there was none to be had.

This pain is bigger than me.  Today the pain, the evil beast, picked me up in it's palm and threw me against the floor.

I was unprepared. 

I was reminded over and over again that I was NOT THIRTY WEEKS PREGNANT.  That my boys were mere ashes in my bedroom.  just sitting.  not growing.  not thriving.  not loving.

They're not here.

And it's more than I can bear.

I can't help but scream and cry inside.  GOD NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO.  Please, no.

Please.

My son just came up to me and said "mama, are there babies in your belly?"  I replied, trying to sound brave, "no honey, I do not have babies in my belly."  He turned and said slowly, "okay.  I'll go brush my teeth then."  I wish I could just say "okay, then.  I surrender." But I can't.

Tonight, today.  I have no silver linings.

Just tears. so many tears.  and heart break.  Today I can't pretend.  This Mother's Day, this typically beautiful day for me, was dark and horrifying.

If you have prayers or positive thoughts to spare.  I need them more than I care to admit.

I just need them.

Mothers

I approach this Mother's Day in a way that I never knew possible.  I think back to last year when my biggest concern was if Brian was going to offer to take us out to breakfast or would I have to suggest it?

I didn't know how unimportant that really was.

My foundation, my beliefs, my soul have been rocked.  My life flipped upside down and shaken - it's contents flying about.  As a person, a woman, a mother, I'm no longer certain.  I ache.  I realize I am not in control

When I think of James and Jake, I feel their love immensely.  I sense their guidance, although they were with us for such a short time, I would rather have known them a little, than not known them at all.  How does that saying go?  It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

It is so painfully true.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and the day I would have turned thirty weeks pregnant.  It's almost too much for me to be able to handle, I am feeling so much emotion right now.  My sister and I just went to Kohl's and the sight of infant boys summer clothes hanging on a rack with clearance tags nearly brought me to my knees.  I swim in sadness, but somehow, my love for my family and those tiny boys is bigger than anything I could ever imagined.  Somehow, someway, my heart and my life are full, although empty.

Back on February 26, 2008, if I had even imagined what my Mother's Day would have been like, I would have seen myself in the fetal position, crying out, clutching my heart.  I would have wanted to skip over this celebration of Mothers and landed on the day after.

But I can't.   I am here.  Ariel and Racecar are here.  James and Jake are in my heart - where they belong, for the rest of my life.  Although it's not how I want to mother them, just in my heart, it's all I have and I will take all I can get.

It is my hope for you, whether you are expecting your first or your fifth child, whether you are trying to conceive or are adopting, whether your children or your child are in heaven or here on earth, it is my wish that you feel the love that surrounds you on this day.  That you see how special you are.  It is my hope that you comprehend the enormity of being a Mom.  and the miracle growing inside of you, if you are pregnant.  The importance of your role is not only significant in your children's lives and your husband's life, but yours and other mothers. Realize the good.  Accept the difficult.  Embrace the noise, the mess, the tantrums, the diapers, the late nights. 

They will not last forever - now is your time.  Hold it tight, it is so very precious.

Happy Mother's Day.